No, this hasn’t been the first time he has threatened to leave me (that’s why I didn’t quite believe him). Our marriage has been rocky for the past 20 years…I have never really told anyone what really happens in our marriage. And to some degree, I guess I never will. Some things cannot be put into words…the pain that is suffered through, the hurt that is endured. However, I know that my Heavenly Father has seen everything that has happened…He has heard every word that has been spoken.
I don’t know if we will get back together (I guess you were wondering that too)…There are a lot of things I am uncertain about right now. All I know to do is keep telling myself “God has a plan for you Cherie, even in this…and His plan is good.” I have to tell myself that quite often…my emotions don’t believe my mouth yet. That’s where faith has to step in…that’s where we should live right? In Faith? The bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight.” Well, it has been an incredible challenge!
What I “see” often overpowers my faith at times. I get so lost in the overpowering effect of my sight…how do I overcome that? How do I look past the utter hopelessness of my marriage? How do I peer beyond the financial struggle I am experiencing? How do I stare into a brighter future when everything feels so dark? How do I glance at my children knowing they are hurting desperately as well?
I’ll tell you what I do…I shut my eyes! I close them as tight as I possibly can and dig deep into my spirit (which is the spirit of God…1 Corinthians 3:16)…to that place that knows, that it knows, that it knows that God is going to make everything better. That place where in the deep recesses of my soul, I find peace because I have seen God work in my life before. That place where the river of Life is flowing in me…I close my eyes tightly and picture myself kneeling before that flowing river and taking a drink.
Now, I’m not saying that I shut my eyes so I won’t have to deal with what’s going on…No! Far from it! I deal with it everyday…but there are times when I need a quick moment to flow into that river and get caught up in its power and become strengthened to keep going…to keep fighting the good fight of faith.
I don’t know where this journey will take me nor do I know where it will end. All I know is that even in this…God has a plan, and it’s a good plan.